Do you ever give up on someone um

Everything we're talking about today comes right back to those human skills that we are lacking how to listen how to give and receive feedback how to have a difficult conversation and the thing we have to deal with more than anything is fear

So my why is to inspire people to do the things that inspire them so together each of us can change our world for the better and it's why I wake up every morning every day it is the greatest compliment someone can pay me

You ha you are who you are based on how you were raised now you may not be acting as your true self you know people say that to us all the time you know it's like I don't know who you are anymore

The experiences mold us into who we are um and the effects you know the impact will be positive regardless of where it comes from

It's not that she's unable to take care of herself it's that she needs to find friends colleagues whatever it is who are committed to taking care of her

You know folks like um uh uh maslov like maslow's hierarchy of needs maslow made him a huge mistake in that hierarchy which is

Everything we struggle with has opportunity and lesson that goes with it it's always balanced

but if they won't take the pass then at some point you stop throwing the ball and um it's not about giving up on people it's it's that they have it's about accountability to take responsibility for oneself and and giving up on somebody is don't ever call me again you don't take my advice this is over right that's giving up on someone

i think you know our mistake in those situations is repeating our pattern which is okay i'm going to give you the same advice i'm going to do the same thing you're going to do the same thing i'm going to tell you the same thing i'm going to give up on you i'm going to go like we're we're actually repeating a pattern as well and so

i'm struggling to call you use the word privilege to mindset because what you're saying is anyone that anyone who's had any kind of luck or turnaround or has privilege where anyone who hasn't and has failed it's because of their lack of privilege like there's too many other factors involved in that in those comparisons

though there are again i always think of things in terms of balance right and cost so it's not good or bad it's both right and so let's weigh both of course we have freedom of schedule now that we didn't have we have freedom to live wherever we want which we didn't have

everyone else's stress because they're empathetic everybody else's stress becomes their stress right that's the problem with this which is and it's good that someone like as covetez is up like going out with our friends and having that safe space to vent away from work is really important so in a cultural standpoint it's very hard to control for that like i can't interrupt it i can't tell them they can't you know they don't want to go to their boss to talk about those things but what what again particularly young people but others as well but particularly young people they're they're recognized that there are boundaries at work and you by dumping on one person that they should take on all your problems and they listen and they listen and they listen and they listen and sometimes they give bad advice but they listen and listen we're doing a great disservice to that other person to make ourselves feel better for a few minutes

our lives look very different than they do now obviously um we got our sense of purpose from church we got our sense of community from you know whatever bowling league we hung out with our neighbors they came over and on the weekends and had barbecues with us and work was a place that we went to make money to pay for our lives pay our bills and it was also a different time where we were super loyal to the company and the company was super loyal to us right and that was that was life and then church attendance started to decline bowling leagues basically are gone they've disappeared we don't uh go to community centers anymore we don't have our neighbors over on a weekend basis and so we've our sense so all of those things we started to look to work to replace

and now it's we've added things to that list now since coverage was like and you have to agree with all of my politics and by the way you also have to be my therapy now you have to be my place for therapy which is what we were just talking about right and it is an impossible standard to put on any culture that they can do all those things for you just like um we've put impossible standards on romantic partners that they have to be my intellectual equal they have to be my they have to be sexually compatible with me they have to be emotionally compatible with me they have to share all of my interests all of my politics you know we have to vote it for all the same like these are impossible standards to put on another human being and we're literally setting people up to fail

i have a fear that gen z are the least resilient generation um that i've ever seen and a lot of it and this sounds so stupid and not evidence-based but if you look at what tick-tock is telling this generation work is and there was a video that went viral on twitter the other day out in silicon valley where it shows like a facebook employer one of the big tech companies she arrives at work in the morning she takes a latte all this free muffins she goes over and has the free muffin it shows her in a tick tock literally doing like 30 seconds of work then she's out doing some like pottery making class that work i've put on she comes back to the desk doesn't have 30 seconds of work then she's off to a work social

quiet quitting is this thing where um i don't quit the job but i basically will dial back my effort and give you the minimum so you pay me to do this job and i will do the basic minimum amount to do the job where you can't really fire me because i'm not really doing anything badly or wrong but i'm also not going above and beyond at all right so there's this concept of quiet quitting where people are coming to work and they're just doing the minimum doing their hours doing their job not volunteering or raising their hands or going and that's it

I think it's about managing expectations and I think it's okay for somebody to say of themself, look, I'm not a careerist, I am okay with the fact that I will never be an owner or a senior manager, I want to be paid fairly, I want to do decent work, but I want work to fit neatly in my life and not overwhelm it.

You have to be very honest with everybody, so that everybody knows what the deal is, you know, we're thinking, I think what a lot of people do, is they're dating somebody, it's new, it's casual, and they're dating somebody else, that's doing casual, but they don't tell them about each other.

If I was to design my business in a way where my team members would stay working here forever, how would I go about that, you've just answered it by saying the point about honesty, yeah, expectations, so sitting them down and saying what you want from your life.

The problem, the way most people ask for a raise, is like, I want a 20% raise, I did my research, and my job, the average salary on my job, is x, my friend gets paid x, my friend gets paid x, I know somebody who I work with, you know, I'm doing the same work as them, so I want to be compensated equally, and I want a 20% raise.

A work relationship is a relationship, like any other relationship, you know, there's trust, there's anger, there's care, there's, uh, good days and bad days, and all of the same nonsense, a messiness in our personal relationships, are at work as well.

Esther Perel, who's wonderful, if you don't know her work, uh, you know, she talks about the changing definition of monogamy, monogamous used to mean I'm in one relationship for my whole life, now monogamy means I'm in one relationship at a time.

many people are raising the question of what is a healthy relationship and i think one of the things that boils down for me is it goes right back to what we're talking about which is it base it's based on both parties and they both get a say and so if you say i want to live this kind of lifestyle and you're upfront about it and somebody says i'm cool with that then great but if you lie and say i want to have this kind of i want to be a strictly monogamous but you don't really because you like the person a lot and you think that if you tell them that you want a different kind of relationship you're going to lose them

this is the other thing um that friend i was telling you about who who's super open and honest about her her life i was talking to her the other day and she says i'm jealous she says i'm having jealousy and i'm i'm trying to figure out where it's coming from

fear that is the underlying thing why we don't have honest conversations it's why we are hyper aggressive or make things binary it's because we fear rejection we fear loss we fear whatever it is

i had to learn what i learned about listening is this holding space to learn to hold space for someone you know to learn to as if as if holding a baby you know like to let someone feel safe telling you what they need to say without you trying to fix something or disagree with something or correct something

what's the most difficult conversation you've had to have with someone um when we're talking about that honesty and communicating as authentically and openly as we can as soon as possible what are those difficult conversations you've had to have or a conversation you had maybe too late down the line and you thought i wish i'd had this conversation sooner

my conversations are the same as i mean the difficult conversations you know it's about it's about honesty and relationship but honestly with with him you know with somebody on a team you know if something's not working out or if you give somebody really hard feedback somebody who you are really close with it doesn't mean you're letting them go but like there's really hard feedback you need to give to someone and learning to deliver it with love learning to be a matter of fact you know one of the mistakes i would always make you know this you know these all these theories about give somebody the you know the compliment sandwich tell them something good tell them thing you want to tell them tell something good doesn't work because it's it's generic something good really specific something bad and generic something good you know seven good things one bad thing generic generic generic really specific so it doesn't work in my opinion it doesn't work like you if it's really it's like you know i really like that you show up to work with a smile and there's one other thing i need to talk about you know um but what i've learned is when delivering good news be very emotional and when delivering bad news um remove the emotion

i've always found that i i struggle to use the word employees and you just went to use the word then and you changed it to team yeah is that something that you also the reason why so i use whenever i'm on the podcast i talk about it but my my team will never hear me and if they might not have noticed this but this has been the same for 10 for about 10 years i will never in a in a chat set call them and call people that work in my company employees yeah it seems to be somewhat of a violation of my values somehow and i just noticed you went to say the word team someone on my team that's what you did yeah i mean i i do the same i mean i when i show up to a group called my k team and like yeah then you know um employee to me is a technical word you know yeah i don't mind talking about employees when we're talking about generic company stuff um i don't mind referring to employees when i'm talking to an insurance when i'm talking about insurance you know or benefits you know it's like it's a technical term that i think is totally fine to use in technical times but when i'm referring to people and those people have names and faces then they're the team

everybody has unmet needs because of a changing world fact are there gender differences of course there are gender differences and how we respond to men versus how we respond to women is different a friend of mine who was um she was she three things happened to her simultaneously in the military three things happened to her simultaneously any one of them would would be difficult but all three of them happened her at the same time she was promoted to senior management she became lieutenant colonel she was deployed for 13 months 12 months and she was given her very first command okay so any one of those things is a is a trial and all three happened at once right

men are sometimes not always but men are sometimes better at just being told blank by another guy just do this and you go i'll just do it but when you create gender it creates all kinds of other other interpretations and associations like our mothers so i think we cannot discount those and you know traditional male leadership qualities are things like decisiveness aggression you know those kinds of things traditional female um qualities are things like patience you know maternal instinct uh empathy and i think the mistake we've made across all leadership is we teach male leadership we teach decisiveness and we teach aggression and these are the things we teach we teach that to everybody and the reality is is what makes great leaders is they have a balance and what we should be teaching is more of female leadership

i've had two very successful um women entrepreneurs on this podcast who've said the same sentence which is as women in the in the workplace we typically don't ask for raises as much as our current parts and that kind of supports what you're saying there which is men have at some point learned to just ask for the things that they they they want whether it's a raise whether it's a job whatever it is you know but i think i think you know the theory here that that my friend posed is that it doesn't come from our experiences of dating when we're younger that we build these skill sets that benefit us later in life as entrepreneurs the whole it's not risk reward it's risk reject risk rejection

i think the best interviews are conversations i think the best interviews have no agenda but the interviewer has genuine curiosity i think the best interviews are open-ended questions that are difficult

what is the greatest fear i have about how i'm currently living my life that i'm not 100 honest with myself because i'm not honest with myself i won't be honest to others

we live in a world that we have confused vulnerability with broadcasting our feelings right and going on a podcast or worse sitting in your bedroom with your phone on self view and broadcasting your breakup or your anger or whatever it is on tick tock or whatever your medium of choice is

honesty doesn't have to happen in the moment and this is a lesson i've learned right so i went to see a friend of mine's play and it was easily the worst thing i've ever seen in my entire life

i know that our wide discovery course i know there are people who offer sort of all kinds of purpose-finding courses that they charge 1500 bucks for you know and i know because i've been told that our course is like a thousand times better

I will provide you with a text enclosed in triple quotes, it's a huge it's a choice and i learned so much from these conversations that i wish i actually need to go back through this episode with my own notes so i can um change my business and my life for the better thank you so much it's a joy i i learn i learn as much if not more than you do so i really appreciate you having me it's amazing we'll do it again sometime i hope so thank you

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